Day Twelve, Gift Twelve

Sigh...day twelve was a tough one.  It was the worst day yet of my challenge.  I honestly didn't want to give a gift, I didn't want to do anything.  However, I read that Cami went through the same thing in her 29 day gift challenge so I knew it was "normal" and that kept me going.  I had the worst night sleep with vivid nightmares that only going through medication withdrawals can do to you.  I woke up in a bad, grumpy, unmotivated, scathing mood and it lasted all day.  I plugged away and went through the motions but nothing and I mean nothing was making me feel better!  I tried homeschooling with Dakota, I read some inspirational books, I did my exercise and nothing relieved the frustration and anger I was experiencing.  The one good news is I could feel it was completely the result of withdrawing from the medication so fast and not my own true feelings because I am very happy, truly and deeply.

So, I didn't want to do my gift at all and when my husband came home for lunch he said, "How's your gift coming?"...Most days he doesn't ask, so of course, today, my bad day, he asks.  I just sorta glare at him and say, "It's not, I'm having a bad day."  Of course, he tried to comfort me and ask me if he could help and I refused to be comforted, I was too frustrated.  It was about 3pm and still completely unmotivated to give I decided I better do it.  I had myself convinced that my positive build up of energy was gone and there was no use, but then something in me said, "Do it, you'll feel better..."

So I pondered for a bit and remembered I had two great cookie kits for kids.  I decided I wanted to give them to one of my neighbors.  Now all my neighbors have kids and I'm very close to them but I do have one neighbor who is a grandmother that I haven't gotten to know.  She has two grandchildren I always see her outside playing with them.  I decide she'd be the perfect person as it is outside my comfort zone and it would be more of a gift to someone because I don't really know her.  I got the recipe together and then brought it over and no one was home.  I think I was pouting and sulking as I came back through the door.  I left the cookie kits in plain sight and reassured myself that I had many hours left in the day to give them to her.

In the meantime, one of my biggest passions is personal finance, I've become quite a bit of an expert on the topic and we have been able to pay off $50,000 in debt in the past two years on Tim's modest income.  I haven't been able to find any books or resources that have anything "new" that I haven't already completely delved into sometime in the past five years, except now.  I found a twelve week financial fitness program that I'm totally loving and I'm getting a lot out of it.  You get homework (quite a bit) every week and then meet with your fitness coach one hour per week over the phone.  My first meeting is Friday and I've probably invested forty hours of work already.  I'm learning a ton...well, the reason I'm telling you this is because while I was in a mood and my gift was not yet delivered I decided to print off the "Financial Planner" that goes with the curriculum.  It's a 150 pg document and my printer, who has been nothing but a kind friend to me, moaned and groaned with every page and beeped every third page saying "paper jam"...me and my printer, we've had some good times, this wasn't one of them.  So I'm already walking on egg shells and I'm hand feeding this printer.  My kind, "normal" Desiree is telling myself how this printer has been abused and neglected and how lucky I am to have a printer, to be able to afford a printer, etc.  Still, I'm not feeling any better and I'm clenching my jaw so that I don't say any words that my children will ask me to explain later.  Just then my respite provider says, "Desiree, are you going to start your period?  I thought you started around the 20th?"  Ouch, stab, geesh...remember my discussion of lack of privacy.  "No, I'm going through med withdrawals..." I answer to her concerned expression...and yes, she knows my period better than I do...sigh.

So, after I finally get through that I try and bring my present over again.  As I walk up I see my neighbors adult son unloading his truck and ask if she is home...he says "no".  I put out my hand and introduce myself and give him the gift.  I explain I thought her and his boys would enjoy it.  He responded with, "Who are you again?"  I chuckled and said, "I'm your neighbor."  I'm not sure if he liked it or if I just made him uncomfortable but I gave my gift for the day.  I came home and my mom called me.  I explained what a bad day I was having and our conversation totally turned me around, I started to feel much better.  My husband and I snuggled in bed with our hot chocolate as he joked about the drugs he was putting in it to make me have "crazy" dreams.  I slept well and didn't have the nightmares, thank God.

I did wake up around 3am due to pain, I decided to get some work done on my money program and my blog done.  It's quite easy to get through customer service in the middle of the night, I guess not a lot of people are obsessing about their finances at 3am.  I love it, it is so much fun.  I even have my small children on a savings plan so they need to invest until they are 30 a small amount each month and then after that, not a penny more, and they will be millionaires at retirement.  My kids enjoy it too as I am so passionate about it.  My doctors appointment about my pain and my meds is this afternoon, I'm hoping we make as much progress this week as we did in the past couple appointments.

Have a wonderful, giving day!  I'm thrilled to be feeling "back to myself" today.