Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day Thirty-Nine, A Special Visit!

Day Thirty-nine was a very busy, crazy day, as I knew it would be.  It started out with a doctors appointment in the city for Justin with his Neurologist.  We spent one hour waiting for the doctor, but we really enjoyed the time, playing peek a boo and singing songs, and then we spent a little over an hour with the doctor.  We made a lot of progress and we are going to try a few new things to help Justin be more comfortable.  She was impressed with the changes he is displaying with all the massage therapy.

After our appointment, we went to visit Justin's birth mother.  We haven't been able to visit before because she hasn't kept contact with us and was homeless so I couldn't find her.  However, she had a baby about six weeks ago and the State put her on a strict plan and program to clean up her life.  I was delighted when she started calling me and since she doesn't have transportation I offered to bring Justin out to see her.  He has only seen her three times in the past two and a half years and he always seemed uncomfortable.  He won't babble or make eye contact and his expression is so serious...very unlike him.  I got him really excited and told him where we were going and he did so well!

She has a modest studio apartment that is very small but so comfortable.  The baby looks great and we kept telling Justin that it was "his baby" and he laughed and squealed.  He made great eye contact and cuddled with his birth mom, it was by far the best visit they've had since he's been with me.  I was his first placement, I picked him and his older brother up at the hospital.  She handed Justin to me while trying not to cry but she was shaking uncontrollably.  I promised her I would take good care of both of them.  Today, she kept repeating, "He looks so good, you are doing such a good job!"  He does look good and he's so happy and so does the baby.  She kept saying, "You have such a good Mom..."  I could tell she was uncomfortable as to what she should call herself when talking to him.  I told her, "Justin has two mom's, he needs us both."  She was thrilled and started referring to herself as Mommy which was most natural for both of us.

I found out she didn't have a swing yet...the swing is a necessity with an infant in my humble opinion, so I got her a used one, washed the covering, and put new batteries in it.  It is a very small "travel" type swing which was a blessing because her whole apartment is smaller than our bedroom.  It fit nicely in the corner and wasn't in the way, but if she had a normal size swing, I don't know where it would have fit.  The baby loved the swing and I got to cuddle with him while she played with Justin.  We stayed the afternoon until she had to go to her rehab program...she couldn't tear herself away from him and cried as we put him in the car.  I promised her she could see him as much as she wanted and she told me that when she finished rehab she was going to be allowed to visit her oldest son too.  I gave her a coaster with Justin's picture and she cried and hugged me.  She said she was going to bring it to her group and brag about him.  I realized that she only has one picture of Justin, so I'm going to make sure to change that :-) (a gift for another day).

My gift for today was bringing Justin to see her and of course, I wanted to get something for the baby cakes too!  I'm very excited for her and Justin to have a strong relationship.  I've done everything in my power to get her to see him but it never worked out.  I was certain that she wouldn't be able to change for the new baby but I prayed for her anyway.  God again delivered the support and resources she needed.  She is doing wonderful.  She has a great heart and I know that she will always be a wonderful part of all the kids lives as long as she can keep herself healthy.

When I came home I was exhausted, I'd been out all day.  Dakota started making me feel guilty about how I'm not doing what I used to do and Kaylee was fighting me on every little detail of her day.  I just soon as they went to bed I cried to Tim...till one in the morning about how badly I am failing as a mother and a wife.  How I don't provide any financial support to the family, yet my medical bills and student loans take a huge toll, I can't take care of the kids myself or the home.  I feel like a burden right now to my family and it is the worse feeling ever.  We decided to call to get some family supports in place in the morning.  There is a program when you adopted such special needs kids that help your stress management, behavior plans, bonding, and family counseling.  I don't know what or how much to share with Dakota, I don't know how to deal with the guilt, and I'm terrified of Jamie and Justin's future as I become unable to care for them.  I do feel hopeful though that getting supports in place will help us all deal with the stress.